For the Conference
On Saturday 30 June 1860, the closing proceedings of the Conference of the British Association for the Advancement of Science were held in the Zoological Museum of the University of Oxford.
The principal business was to be a lengthy presentation of a paper by an American academic, on ‘Intellectual Development’ and ‘the Views of Mr Darwin’, followed by a general debate on Charles Darwin’s recently published Origin of Species.
* * *
On the preceding Friday evening, a gentle and retiring man, beset by chronic illnesses and recent personal tragedy, arrived at a crowded Oxford inn. His journey by carriage had been long and wearisome, but he was able to honour his engagement for supper with a loyal friend. They were led respectfully into the busy dining room, and seated at a large but still empty table.
As they began to enjoy a warming bowl of soup, they were astonished to observe the unescorted arrival at their table of eight quite singularly-attired individuals.
No waiter having yet approached to solicit the newcomers’ orders, the tired but impeccably-mannered English gentleman felt obliged to speak.
“I trust, kind sirs, that you will not need to attend long upon your suppers here. Meanwhile, may I propose that we briefly introduce ourselves ...?”
Their unelected host did not complete this gracious invitation, for the stranger to his left began at once to address the newly-assembled company.
“Gentlemen, my name is Nicholas Copernicus. I am presently constructing a proper description of the sun and the planetary motions. I feel somewhat disquieted by rumour of Mr Darwin’s theories, and I have come to Oxford for the conference.”
As the assembly exchanged polite but uncertain glances, the second new arrival at once spoke up, to be rapidly followed by each of the others ...
“I am Robert Hooke. My present works, investigating the tissues of plants and what I have latterly named the cell, render me fascinated by Mr Darwin’s theory, and I have come to Oxford for the conference.”
“My name, gentlemen, is Isaac Newton. I am strongly attracted by the thinking of Mr Darwin, which I suspect has great potential to influence my own, and I have come to Oxford for the conference.”
“I, sirs, am Henry, Lord Cavendish. I too am impressed by the theories of young Darwin; indeed I regret not having evolved them myself! So I have come to Oxford for the conference.”
“Einstein, Albert, at your service. My views on the matter of ‘evolution’ do not, I feel, generally relate to those of Mr Darwin. To enable a frank exchange of such views, for our mutual benefit, I have therefore come to Oxford for the conference.”
“Steady on, Albert ... right, my name’s Fred Hoyle ... found myself sitting here with all of you just now ... no big fuss ... almost as if we’ve been here forever ... not sure my other neighbour will agree, though ... anyhow, there’s a lot I want to discuss with our Darwin ... so I’ve come to Oxford for the conference.”
“I, fellow thinkers, am Stephen Hawking. And yes, Sir Fred, I do disagree: I observe instead that we all appeared here at a stroke, and shall probably all disappear in similar fashion when the time is right. And since I find much to commend in Mr Darwin’s principle of natural selection, I too have come back to Oxford for the conference.”
“Gentlemen, my name cannot be divulged for security reasons. I represent certain parties committed to the notion of Intelligent Design. With considerable concern, I have come to Oxford for the conference.”
“I welcome you all, good sirs! I am Thomas Huxley, biologist and devotee of truth and scientific method. I ardently embrace the evolutionary theory of Mr Darwin, and in his proud support I have come to Oxford for the conference.”
The placid Englishman’s soup had cooled. He sadly shook his balding head and rose unsteadily to his feet.
“Gentlemen: as you may already appreciate, my name is Charles Robert Darwin. I am at once honoured and confounded by your presence and your words.
“I am not the fittest among us; I expended great efforts of body and mind to travel here today. I find myself now utterly overwhelmed by all you have said, and I fear that we shall not be able to share our views as you desire.
“I must instead take my leave, and return home forthwith, before unavoidable disputes afflict my frail health still further. I wish you all well. Goodnight.”
As soon as Darwin had departed, the eight newcomers exchanged disappointed looks and then, one by one, drifted quickly and silently away.
Huxley found himself shaking his own head in bemused dismay, accompanied now only by a waiter patiently holding two steaming plates of finest roast beef.
* * *
The final day of the Conference began with the planned formal presentation. The chamber was packed to bursting, and hundreds were left disappointed outside. But Charles Darwin himself had failed, as ever, to appear at an important public airing of his controversial ideas.
The Bishop of Oxford led the follow-on debate, with a speech which soon evolved into a forceful and eloquent denouncement of Darwin’s entire theory. But at one point he turned and addressed Thomas Huxley directly, with an ill-considered quip on the subject of monkeys and that gentleman’s own ancestry. This being interpreted by many as a gross insult, and Huxley’s piercing riposte as an even grosser one, the meeting descended rapidly into pandemonium, and proceedings came to an abrupt and inconclusive end.
* * *
Another illustrious conference participant was the Bishop of Worcester. Upon returning home, he furnished his wife with a summary of Darwin’s theory and the events at Oxford. Her immediate reaction was apparently: “Descended from the apes! My dear, let us hope that it is not true, but if it is, let us pray that it will not become generally known.”
Copyright © 2006 by Bewildering Stories
on behalf of the author
