Welcome to the Smashing Center

by Boris Kokotov

Hi, I’m Tina Blackhole, a cleaning lady at the Smashing Center. Everybody calls me Tiny B, but I don’t mind; I think it’s funny. Our Center is an outstanding institution, and I am so proud of my work here! I also appreciate the opportunity to participate in our organization’s educational program by welcoming tourists and visitors like you.

The main part of the Center is the Tunnel, which is incredibly long and dark. While inside its smooth, impenetrable walls I never see the light at either of the Tunnel’s ends. It is the place where the Events happen, the only place where they have any chance of happening. All Events seem to be exactly the same, yet their outcomes differ. Therefore everything has to be repeated again and again. That’s what makes life interesting and my job secure!

I’d like to share with you how the Events are perceived from my particular point of view.

Two teams congregate at the opposite entryways of the Tunnel. The teams are supposed to be identical, but I don’t know for sure; I’ve never met any member of any team in person. When both teams are ready, a certain signal comes out, and suddenly they are running toward each other, fast, so fast that I can’t see them running. I see them only after they have collided or, rather, what is left of them, which isn’t much: smithereens, debris, odds and ends.

At this moment I become directly involved. I must collect the debris and remove it as quickly as I can. Do you want to know how I do it? You will be surprised: by sucking all this stuff in! I am very good at sucking. I always want to suck something in, no matter what. I mean, no matter what kind of matter this matter is. I’m not picky! And the more I get the more I want, as simple as that.

I don’t get much, though: a number of team members always manage to survive the collision and escape; some fragments decay so quickly I can’t grab them in time. Despite talks of unlimited potential for advancement and growth, we aren’t growing at all: the management — intentionally, I guess — keeps us small and hungry.

There is a notion that, unsupervised, on the loose with our huge appetites, we’ll consume each other first and the whole Smashing Center thereafter. Never mind the Center, but I do feel capable of sucking in both teams even before they start running. Once I seriously considered such a move but decided against it out of fear of losing my pay check.

See, sucking is the only thing I am capable of doing and the only thing I love to do. At hiring, I wasn’t asked for a certificate, a diploma, or any other credentials. I was told that I am a natural-born sucker, and that’s all that’s required.

Yet with such a limited set of skills, if I lose my current job, chances of finding another employer are next to absolute zero. Or maybe I’ve become too complacent with my situation. I share this trait with most of my colleagues.

The rare exception is Fat-Ass Nancy. Once I spotted her feeding on something big — I believe it was a team member — and she was sucking him alive! I didn’t rat on her, somebody else did. She was ripe for annihilation, no doubt about that!

The rest of the story is subject to speculation. She disappeared. Was she trapped? Did she run away? According to a rumor, she’s roaming free now and sucking things beyond the wildest dreams of us cleaning ladies. But I’ve also heard she’s been captured and flipped from sucking to blowing. She’s been transferred to another Center, where she’s forced to do blow jobs. Ugh!

Still even that job is a job, something that justifies one’s existence. What we’re really afraid of is annihilation. No one can evade it. Sooner or later, Tiny B must vanish from this world without a trace. Well, actually, a tiny trace, like a flash, does occur at that moment. Should it serve as some kind of consolation? The management told us not to worry too much and to stay focused on cleaning.

We have no time for worries anyway. Preparing for the Events, attending to them, and post-Event routines take a lot of energy. That’s keeping us cleaning ladies busy, which is good, because if a lady has nothing to suck, she starts sucking herself and this could be catastrophic. In my memory, it did happen once and led to a lengthy Tunnel closure. The incident was publicly acknowledged, and I’m not leaking information.

The issue of leaks is ambiguous. The management frowns upon minor leaks, yet tolerates them as a way of life. In fact the Center’s Press Release is consistently used for controlling and channeling them. As an old saying goes: “Even the Tunnel leaks.” But, of course, this should not be taken literally.

I would like to conclude my presentation on a lighter note by telling a joke or, rather, a riddle:

The Question; “What would happen to a cleaning lady if, in her pursuit of highest productivity, she exceeds the speed of light?”

The Answer: “She’d get enlightened!”

Okay, folks, it’s been a pleasure to talk to you and share my experiences. Thank you so much for listening! The next presentation will start shortly. Bye now.