The famous astronomer, Dr. Febze Mheuulk, was exploring space as usual with the newly invented Zerffo Telescope.

Then he saw it. A green and blue planet in the Sigma Draconis star system, which was composed of Sigma Draconis and five small planets. The green and blue planet, Sigma Draconis IV, was the largest.

Dr. Mheuulk was certain that Sigma Draconis IV was capable of supporting life. The Zerffo Telescope read the temperature of the planet: -56° to -13° at the poles, 16° to 24° at the equator, -32° to 18° halfway in between, and -278° on a white plateau about 500 miles northeast of a large river.

"Very interesting!" said an amazed Mheuulk.

But he didn't expect that only 200 years later, Earth would begin sending living things to Sigma Draconis IV.

Earth was too crowded and polluted. The organisms of Earth required a new home to escape from the dangers of Earth. Sigma Draconis IV was the solution.

Joey Julkssen was confused.

His teacher, Mrs. Blork, was teaching the class about the history of Cheezland.

"...and in the year 100283, Eric Fibbzed and two hundred people landed on Sigma Draconis IV and founded the colony of Discovery. In 103774, chezurite was found under the ground and was used to protect Discovery from the harsh weather of winter. Chezurite had amazing abilities to resist extreme temperatures of about -300° Fahrenheit. This is a piece of chezurite," Mrs. Blork explained.

She held up a small blue crystal. The class was amazed.

Joey was snoring loudly. Mrs. Blork ignored him.

"More and more chezurite deposits were found underground, and chezurite became so abundant that Sigma Draconis IV was renamed Cheezland. The colony of Discovery was renamed Cheez Alpha. More colonies followed and became cities when Earth was destroyed by the comet Svennak-Prellan 14," she continued.

Joey was snoring more loudly.

"Joey? Why are you sleeping?" asked Mrs. Blork.

Joey woke up.

"Huh? Sleeping? I wasn't s-s-sl-leeeeping," said Joey.

"Then pay attention!" commanded Mrs. Blork.

The bell rang.

"Joey? May I have a word with you?" asked Mrs. Blork.

"A word? What's the word?" Joey interrogated.

"Not a word; some words!"

"Huh? But you said...."

"Stop talking, you little rat! You have to stop sleeping in class! Do you hear me? You are in third grade! You're not in kindergarten anymore, you little dodo bird!" yelled Mrs. Blork. "You were sleeping in class! You should have been paying attention!"

"But I was!"

"Okay! Why is this planet called 'Cheezland?'"

"Uh,...um...but...you...uh...but you never told me the answer!"

"Then find out!"

"Cheezland! Cheezland! Cheez! Land! I know what 'land' means," soliloquized Joey Julkssen. "What about 'cheez'? Maybe it has no definition, like those countries of Earth: England, Switzerland, Ireland. If I removed the 'land,' the rest has no meaning. But Iceland! 'Ice' has a meaning! Maybe 'cheez' has a meaning!"

Joey pulled out the thick dictionary from the bookshelf.

"Webster's New Interplanetary Dictionary of the English Language, Twenty-Third Edition, Unabridged is perfect!" said Joey.

He looked up "cheez."

"'Cheez:' a variation of 'cheese' or short for 'chezurite.'"

He looked at the following definitions.

"'Cheezish'...'Cheezland'...'Cheezman?'"

He was frightened.

"Cheezman!"

He screamed and read the definition.

"'A hypothetical creature native to Cheezland, especially to the Cheez Plateau,'" he read.

His eyes bulged.

"Hypothetical! It could exist!"

He screamed.

"This is scary!" Joey exclaimed.

He highlighted the entry of "Cheezman" and the page number.

Then he restored the dictionary to its position on the bookshelf.

He extracted the atlas.

He looked at the map of Cheezland.

"The Cheez Plateau! It's so close to Cheez Alpha! What if the Cheezman comes here?" said Joey.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Blork. I wanted to know if, um, the Cheezman was real or not. Do you know?" queried Joey.

"What do you want now?!" shouted Mrs. Blork. "The Cheezman? Ha! That beast is only a fairy tale! Ha! Joey, do you still believe in fairy tales?"

"But the dictionary said that the Cheezman is a hypothetical creature!"

"'Hypothetical,' my foot! 'Mythical' is better!"

Joey Julkssen turned on his computer.

The electronic newspaper had arrived.

On the front cover was an article about a large hole in the chezurite glass dome covering Cheez Alpha.

The northeastern section of the dome had been punctured.

"Oh, no! Something broke in!" exclaimed Joey.

He gasped.

"The Cheezman!"

Joey left Cheez Alpha in his chezurite suit and walked to the Cheez Plateau.

He was searching for the Cheezman. He didn't know why he was searching for the Cheezman.

He kept walking across the Cheez Plateau.

Then he saw a cave. Its entrance was blocked by long icicles.

He broke through.

On the left wall were hundreds of people frozen inside ice.

He walked slowly.

Then he saw a flight of stairs.

He climbed the stairs into a vast tower.

There was an eerie yellow light all around. Joey could not see the source of the light.

The stairs seemed endless.

After a few minutes, Joey finally reached the top.

There was a small room.

It was dim and filled with toys on wooden shelves.

Joey passed a box of potatoes.

Then he saw a peculiar teddy bear. Its eyes were moving.

Joey's heart skipped a beat. The teddy bear fell off the shelf.

It had been pushed.

He could see anything behind the place the teddy bear had been.

He stuck his head in.

It was a tunnel of some sort.

Suddenly, something slapped him in the forehead.

He jumped back, startled.

A hairy beast crawled out of the hole.

It was the Cheezman!

"Joooooeeeeeyyyyy Juuuuulllllkffffffffffeeeeennnnn!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

Joey turned and ran toward the door, but it was locked.

He saw a window and jumped out.

And he fell and fell and fell.

Joey screamed.

Joey fell and fell and fell.

"NO!" he screamed.

The ground was getting closer and closer.

He screamed.

Joey Julkssen woke up.

He was panting. He smiled and laughed.

"N-nightmare. O-only a-a-a nightmare! Hee hee! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee hee hee! Eh! Hee!" laughed Joey.

CRASH! A window had been broken.

Joey gasped.

He grabbed the flashlight and crept downstairs slowly.

He found the broken window in the living room.

Gigantic footprints led Joey to the kitchen.

Joey could see something hairy under the sink.

He shone his flashlight on it.

It was the Cheezman!

"Joooooeeeeeyyyyy Juuuuulllllkffffffffffeeeeennnnn!!!!! said a ghastly voice.

Joey screamed and threw potatoes at the Cheezman.

The Cheezman ate the potatoes and chased Joey up the stairs.

Joey ran into his room and locked the door.

"Joooooeeeeeyyyyy!!!!!" said the Cheezman.

The door burst open.

The Cheezman was angry.

Joey smiled.

"Uh!" said the Cheezman and bonked Joey on the head.

Joey fell down, unconscious.

The Cheezman picked him up and threw him out the window like a spear.

Joey hit the grass, conscious.

He groaned and remembered the Cheezman.

Joey screamed.

He looked up and saw the Cheezman holding a rubber mallet.

The Cheezman said, "Uh!" and bonked Joey on the head.

Joey woke up.

"Heh heh! Only another nightmare! Ha ha!" he laughed.

"Joooooeeeeeyyyyy!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

It was the Cheezman!

"Uh!" said the Cheezman and bonked Joey on the head with a rubber mallet.

"Egads! No! Not again! I don't want to go camping again! We've already gone camping twice this week! You can't make me go again! I've got to finish my chemistry experiment with potatoes!" pleaded Dexter Zwieback.

"You are going camping, whether you like it or not!" said Mrs. Zwieback.

Dexter was going camping at Cheez Planetary Park on the Cheez Plateau with his parents again.

He pulled his dictionary out of his knapsack.

He had bought it at Zvirchut's Old Bookstore.

It was really thick and really cheap.

It cost only 249.999 chezurs!

He turned to page 567.

The entry of "Cheezman" had been highlighted.

"Egads! 'A hypothetical creature native to Cheezland!'"

"Please! Your soliloquy is driving us bananas!" said Mr. Zwieback.

Dexter was looking at an exhibit.

"Hey!" exclaimed Dexter. "Cheezland's Freeze Breeze is strong enough to turn all matter solid, but it is not capable of penetrating chezurite!"

"That's why we're supposed to wear chezurite suits!" said Mr. Zwieback.

Dexter read about Cheez Planetary Park's Potato Museum in a brochure.

He liked potatoes. He sliced them. He grew them. He washed them. He disintegrated them. He liquefied them. He scintillated them.

"Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes!" he chanted.

"Egads! The potato! La patata*! La pomme de terre*! Ha ha ha! Guten Tag. Wie gehts? Ich heisse Dexter Zwieback. Wie heissen Sie? Wo ist das Museum? Würden Sie das bitte wiederholen. Sprechen Sie Deutsch*?" he asked.

There was silence.

"Nein*?! What's wrong with you? Bonjour. Parlez-vous français? Excusez-moi! Parlez-vous anglais? Pardon? Comprenez-vous*?"

"Non, je ne parle pas français*!" said the computer.

"Egads! Okay, you crazy computer!"

"Non, je ne le suis pas* crazy computer!"

"Où est votre musée*?"

"Tu vas nord*!"

* This story does not provide English translations for Italian, French, or German. Try using a dictionary. Or maybe three.

"Egads! Potatoes! Potatoes! And more potatoes! Yahoo! P-O-T-A-T-O-E-S! S-E-O-T-A-T-O-P!" exclaimed Dexter.

He was at the Cheez Potato Museum. It was filled with potatoes.

Dexter went to the gift shop.

He bought potato pins, potato pens, potato pencils, potatoes, potato pictures, potato toys, potatoes, potato games, potatoes, potato patches, potatoes, Potatoed Potatoes™*, Potato Pals®**, potatoes, and the official Cheez Potato Museum potato souvenir.

"Egads! I love the Cheez Potato Museum! It has lots of potatoes!"

* Potatoed Potatoes™ is a trademark of Zyrcheez Toys, Inc.

** Potato Pals® is a registered trademark of Macaroni & Cheez Co.

"Deeeeekfffffteeeeerrrrr Vvvvvvwwwwwiiiiieeeeebaaaaack!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

"Who called me?" asked Dexter, unaware of the hairy creature creeping up on him.

"Deeeeekfffffteeeeerrrrr!!!!!" said the ghastly voice.

"Yes?" answered Dexter, turning around.

It was the Cheezman!

"Hello!" exclaimed Dexter in a very high-pitched voice.

"Uh!" said the Cheezman and bonked Dexter on the head.

Where am I? thought Dexter.

He was in a cave.

A potato was in his mouth. He spit it out.

"Deeeeekfffffteeeeerrrrr!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

"No! Not you again!" screamed Dexter.

It was the Cheezman!

"Uh!" said the Cheezman.

Dexter grabbed the rubber mallet and bonked the Cheezman on the head four times.

Then he ran out of the cave.

Suddenly, he heard a whistling sound.

It was not the Cheezman!

"Oh, no! It's the Freeze Breeze!" said Dexter and started running.

Dexter ran into the Cheezman!

"Uh!" said the Cheezman and threw a potato at Dexter.

The potato scratched the chezurite glass that protected his face.

"Ah! I can't see! It's all scratched up!" exclaimed Dexter.

CRASH! Another potato hit the glass, making a hole.

Dexter could hear the Cheez Freeze Breeze.

"No! It'll go through the hole! Help!"

Dexter tripped over a rock and fell down, centimeters away from the Nrutsyak River, 5 meters below.

The Freeze Breeze blew closer and closer to Dexter.

The cold air was freezing.

Dexter was freezing.

"Too cold. Must have heat!" he uttered.

The Freeze Breeze swept over Dexter, leaving behind a Cheez Plateau that was 126 meters higher.

"Duh! I'm an idiot!" exclaimed Jim Kerplunk.

He stuck two grapes up his nostrils.

"Duh! I'm an idiot!" he repeated.

He stuck two more grapes up his nostrils.

"You're disgusting!" said his best friend, Vincent Reisenschein.

Jim stuck four more grapes up his nostrils.

Then he sniffed it all up and swallowed the chunk of grapes.

"I'm imitating Mr. Hood! 'Excuse me, I would like a box of CRACK-ers!'" mimicked Jim.

On the first syllable of the word "crackers," Jim had upchucked a steaming pile of sticky grapes.

It melted through the table.

"Jim, I'm eating!" said Vincent.

"Hoo hoo! I'm an idiot!" laughed Jim.

"Rise and shine, Reisenschein!" yelled Coach Fudd.

"Huh?" exclaimed Vincent, waking up.

Oh, no! I've been sleeping in gym class again! Coach must be really mad! thought Vincent.

"Stop sleeping in my class!" commanded Coach Fudd.

"Kabibble! Duh, I'm an idiot!" laughed Jim Kerplunk.

"Shut up!" screamed Coach Fudd.

"Zygtyekka!" gasped Vincent.

"Vincent! You're sleeping again! You must learn to pay attention in class!" said his physics teacher, explaining antimatter to the class.

"Wake up, Vincent! You're sleeping all the time!" scolded Miss Yttrikt, his geography teacher.

"Kabibble!" babbled Jim Kerplunk.

I'm doomed! thought Vincent Reisenschein.

"It really made sense in Mrs. Thettlot's class that other day. Anyone can simply understand Einstein's theory of relativity. I wonder why nobody else reasoned that matter could be transformed into energy and vice versa. And that little bit about antimatter! Antimatter is completely the opposite of matter. It has opposite spins and charges. So I thought everybody understood that positrons are electrons that travel backward in time! But no! No one understands! Except me! And time is only a dimension. It's not something that can move. It cannot flow or fly. It's a dimension! A dimension! Just like height, width, and depth! They don't flow or fly. Why should time? Remember, time is only a dimension! Understand? Time does not flow! We flow! We flow because we are made of matter! And we flow in all directions in time! Actually, we flow in all dimensions, too! We flow in all directions in all dimensions! Including height, width, time, and depth. But what about antimatter, you say? Well, antimatter also travels in all directions in all dimensions! But antimatter flows oppositely to matter. But antimatter and matter both travel in all directions! Do you understand? But look at a circle. If you travel the circumference clockwise, you would travel in all directions! But antimatter travels the circumference counterclockwise! It also flows in all directions! But is flowing oppositely! Understand? Same thing with a sphere and tesseract spheres, or pulsing spheres, whatever! You know the four-dimensional form of a sphere! And so on with the squiggly lines, vibrating strings, and bubbles! And there are infinite dimensions! So if you're three-dimensional, you don't exist! Ha! So to exist, you have to be in all dimensions! And 'all dimensions' is a big, fat, squiggly, infinite lot of dimensions! Now you know! Interesting, huh? Understand? And did you know that if matter flow suddenly stopped and reversed, you wouldn't even notice it! Isn't that great? And you know what I think? If we can move in different directions in three dimensions, how come we can't move in infinite dimensions? Huh? I believe that we do move in all directions in all dimensions! But we don't move that much! And remember, you need energy to move in any direction! It's usually kinetic energy. That's how we move forwardly in all dimensions. Including height, width, and depth! You remember the Big Bang, don't you? Everything in all dimensions is spreading! Spreading! Spreading! Spreading! Even things in time are spreading! But you can't tell the difference! A fraction of a millisecond is about equal to the diameter of our world! So it's not that much anyway! Vincent? Vincent! Have you been understanding all this about dimensions and antimatter? Huh?" explained Jim Kerplunk.

"Where have you been?" asked Vincent Reisenschein.

Vincent opened his locker to remove his textdisk for the next class.

"Oh, no! My stuff's stolen!" cried Vincent. "And someone smashed my encephalic perceiver! I'm doomed!"

"I'm doomed! My stuff's stolen!" complained Vincent Reisenschein.

"Vincent! Someone stole your stuff?" asked Mrs. Reisenschein.

"Someone stole your stuff?" asked Vincent's sister, Phoebe.

"Wumone wole your wuff?" asked Vincent's dog, Neutrino.

"Hey, Neutrino! You're not supposed to talk!" said Vincent.

"How did someone steal your stuff?" asked Phoebe. "Aren't there fingerprint sensors on those lockers?"

"Yes, but,...someone...I don't know...ZORK!...huh?" exclaimed Vincent.

"So! You said that antimatter was composed of positrons orbiting a nucleus of antiprotons and antineutrons?" asked Vincent.

"Well, yes, antimatter is composed of positrons, antiprotons, and antineutrons!" replied Jim Kerplunk.

Vincent opened his locker.

Somehow his stuff had been returned to his locker.

"All right! Who's the great magician here?" sighed Vincent.

"Vvvvviiiiinnnnnfffffeeeeennnnnt Rrrrreeeeeiiiiivvvvveeeeennnnnttttthhhheeeeeiiiiinnnnn!!!!!" moaned a horrible voice.

It was the Cheezman!

"Who said that?" asked Vincent.

A hairy arm reached out of the locker and pulled Vincent in.

"Um...I didn't see that!" whistled Jim.

He chuckled and grinned.

"Jiiiiiimmmmm Keeeeerrrrrpllllluuuuunnnnnk!!!!!" groaned a roaring, threatening, agonizing, deep, laryngeal, sound-producing vibration.

It was the Cheezman!

"Huh? But...." shrieked Jim.

An upper limb of a hypothetical creature covered with maroon filaments of epidermal tissue sprouting from its epidermis protruded from Vincent Reisenschein's locker and retracted Jim.

"Jim? Is that you?" asked Vincent Reisenschein, staring into the darkness.

He heard footsteps.

"Jim! I'm so glad to see you!" exclaimed Vincent.

"Vvvvviiiiinnnnnfffffeeeeennnnnt!!!!!" groaned a horrible, horrible, horribly horrible, horribly horribly horribly horrible, horrible voice.

"Hey! You're not Jim Kerplunk!" shouted Vincent.

"What did you say?" asked Jim Kerplunk. "Is that you, Vincent?"

"Hey! You're not Vincent, uh, what's his last name!" yelled Jim.

Vincent heard a bonk.

Then he saw the hypothetical creature.

It was the Cheezman!

"Hey! Drop that rubber mallet!" ordered Vincent.

The Cheezman dropped the rubber mallet on Vincent's head.

BONK!

"Principal Kzeek! My brother and his friend are missing!" said Phoebe Reisenschein.

"What? I can't hear you! I have potatoes in my ears and potatoes in my head! My brain is a tiny potato! Every hour I go, 'Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!' I eat potatoes every day. Recycle your potatoes to save Cheezland from internal destruction! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cock-a-doodle-doo!" chortled Principal Kzeek.

"He's gone nuts!" exclaimed Phoebe.

"And once again, it's time for the morning announcements!" said the hologram of Principal Kzeek in Phoebe Reisenschein's choir class. "First, I would like to announce that we are in the middle of a hurricane! Hurricane 400003-Kappa has hit Cheez Eta! But nothing to worry! Our chezurite-glass dome can withstand wind speeds of up to 25,000,000,000 kilometers per hour! And remember, Cheezland uses the metric system, not the Intergalactic Zvikkdat measuring system. Thank you! Now, more announcements! Our school has installed encephalic perceivers! Now you won't have to spend time pressing all of those buttons on the keyboard anymore! Just insert your index finger through the copper ring and think about what you want to input into the computer*! Isn't that great? Children, let's all sing a song to celebrate our misfortune! Er, I mean fortune! Huh? You don't want to sing 'Gebz Bguggzya?' You don't want to anything! You couch potatoes! I said the 'P' word! Oh, no!"

"Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes!" everyone chanted. They wanted Principal Kzeek to go nuts again.

"Stop it! No! No! No! Stop! Aaaaaahhhhh! Bork! Let's sing a song! Gebz Bguggzya! Remember the extraterrestrials who came to Cheezland to steal our flowerpots! Gebz Bguggzya! Try eating a textdisk while throwing toothpaste into space! Gebz Bguggzya!" sang Principal Kzeek.

"Potatoes!" shouted Phoebe's classmates.

"No! He's gone nuts again! Now he'll never find out that two students have been abducted!" screamed Phoebe.

"Gebz Bguggzya! Levitate an antimatter magnet to destroy the planet Zek! Gebz Bguggzya! Dance around and say, 'Celebrate the vernal equinox!' Gebz Bguggzya! Smashing your encephalic perceiver just to rid your dog of fleas! Gebz Bguggzya! Standing upside-down to witness gravity pull upward! Gebz Bguggzya!" sang Principal Kzeek.

"He's gone nuts!" cried Phoebe.

* This can actually be done. Amazing, isn't it?

"And remember, kids, experiment with your potatoes! Remember, eat three to five servings of veggies a day! And recycle your potatoes! Recycle! Conserve! Conserve your potatoes!" chuckled Principal Kzeek.

"He's gone nuts!" complained Phoebe Reisenschein.

Phoebe Reisenschein examined her brother's locker.

There was a gaping hole in the back of it.

There were brown hairs in the locker.

"It could be an extraterrestrial, a domestic creature, something that does not exist, or Principal Kzeek!" considered Phoebe. "It must be a domestic creature! The Cheezman?"

"I have proof that the Cheezman has kidnapped Vincent Reisenschein and Jim Kerplunk!" stated Phoebe Reisenschein.

"Reisenschein? What is Reisenschein? Little piece of metal that go plop in the water? No? Oops! Did I flush little potato-wato down the potty? Remember, regurgitate your potatoes!"

"Oh, no! He's gone nuts again!" exclaimed Phoebe.

"It's time for the morning announcements again! With me, Principal Kzeek! And I'm not insane! Don't make me say the 'P' word, you hear? Okay! The time is 23:02:03, and today is the tenth day of Noit-Cnujnoc 400003. Let's begin! Hurricane 400003-Kappa has dissolved, but there is a tropical depression that's growing off the coast. It will become a tropical storm later today and a hurricane by tomorrow morning. Oh, boy! This is getting boring! Okay! Today, I would like to announce that these stupid announcements will be over in a minute! Finally! Now, let's all say the Pledge of Allegiance. Hello? Did you all forget the Pledge? Oh, no! This is the Pledge of Allegiance. 'I pledge allegiance to the Democratic Planet of Cheezland. I am loyal to Cheezland and will not revolt. I am a citizen of Cheezland. I will not be a traitor and form an alliance with hostile extraterrestrials and destroy Cheezland. The end,'" said Principal Kzeek's hologram.

"You are lying! You are lying!" said the encephalic perceiver.

"Hey! Stop reading my mind!" commanded Principal Kzeek.

"I was programmed to read your mind! You want to take over the world!"

"No! Let's continue the morning announcements! Today, for lunch, we will be having, in Line #1, Calamarian yinka puffs, asparagus sprouts, Zhlupp's Cornballs, rolls, and milk. In Line #2: zigzag zappers, squashed popcorn, animal crackers, rolls, and milk. Line #3 will be serving mutated spinach, zucchini, rolls, mashed potatoes, and milk. That's today's lunch menu. Oh, no! I said the 'P' word! No! Stop chanting!"

"Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes!" chanted Phoebe Reisenschein's choir class.

"Great! Our principal's insane!" groaned Phoebe.

Phoebe Reisenschein stared into her brother's locker.

The gaping hole remained.

It wasn't a dream.

"What's wrong with everybody? How come no one notices that Vincent and Jim are missing?" Phoebe asked Neutrino.

"Warf!" replied the dog.

"Well, I'll have to call a superhero then!" decided Phoebe.

Phoebe put on the encephalic perceiver.

She thought about Potatoman.

Suddenly, the computer said, "Someone at the door!"

Must be Potatoman! she thought. Sure is quick!

"Pizza delivery!" said the robot outside the door.

"I didn't order any pizza!" protested Phoebe.

"Oops! Sorry for the inconvenience!"

Phoebe closed the door.

The computer said, "Someone at the door!"

Must be Potatoman! thought Phoebe.

She opened the door.

Her eyes bulged.

It wasn't Potatoman!

It was the Cheezman!

Phoebe screamed.

"Ppppphhhhhoooooeeeeebeeeee Rrrrreeeeeiiiiivvvvveeeeennnnnttttthhhhheeeeeiiiiinnnnn!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

The Cheezman bonked Phoebe on the head with a rubber mallet.

Potatoman flew around in the sky. Someone had called him.

"Oh, no! Something broke into Cheez Eta! It's the Cheezman!" gasped Potatoman.

It was the Cheezman!

"All right, Fatso! You lose!" yelled Potatoman.

"Poooootaaaaatooooommmmmaaaaannnnn!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

"Let her go!" demanded Potatoman.

The Cheezman dropped Phoebe Reisenschein.

"Prepare to die, Cheezman!" warned Potatoman.

He flew toward the Cheezman.

CHOMP! GULP! BELCH!

"Delicious!" said the Cheezman.

"Hey! Get me out of here! The hydrochloric acid is making me vomit! I'm trapped! Forever! Help!" pleaded Potatoman.

"How did I get a name like 'Fesderg?' It sounds like piece of plastic! I might as well be called 'Iceberg.' That sounds better," complained Fesderg Ecatt.

The computer beeped. It said, "Message from Evan Scintilla."

"Message? From Evan?" asked Fesderg.

Fesderg answered into the microphone.

"Fesderg! There's something really weird going on here!" said Evan.

Fesderg rushed to the bus stop and pressed the button.

The bus arrived.

"Destination, please?" asked the computer.

"6543 Zerc Street."

"224.31 chezurs, please!"

"What? It only cost 210 chezurs a month ago!"

Fesderg inserted his CheezCard into the machine.

"Thank you!" replied the computer.

"Look at that!" shrieked Evan Scintilla.

Fesderg Ecatt glanced out the window.

"An extraterrestrial interplanetary vehicle!" gasped Fesderg.

"Call a superhero!"

"A superhero? How about the Chunky Chicken?"

"Okay!"

Evan put on his encephalic perceiver.

"Someone at the door!" acknowledged the computer.

Evan opened the door.

Standing outside was a humanoid creature about a meter tall having a metallic suit and large, black eyes.

"Kyetto-kank! Zvektid lyaman yefvad-kekkot ala kakascantathatskadtokski! (Greetings! We would like to steal your flowerpots!)" said the extraterrestrial.

"Our flowerpots? No one steals one of our flowerpots and gets away with it!" responded Fesderg.

"Zugtthen! Yefvad-elagathd ala kakascantathatskadtokski! (No! Hand over your flowerpots!)" demanded the alien.

Suddenly, the Chunky Chicken appeared behind the extraterrestrial.

"Did somebody call me?" he asked.

"Egads! Lyaman rettates kalancha eto zekkaltet viirrt lag valliank! (Yes! I called, and I want you to destroy these enemies!)" said the extraterrestrial.

"No! We called! We want you to get rid of this being from somewhere out of this world!" said Fesderg.

"Huh? What? Huh? You want me to destroy them? They want to destroy you? He wants to destroy you? You want to destroy him? What? You're confusing me? Okay, relax! Mommy! Two plus two equals four! Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared! Destroy each other? Violence does not solve anything! Peace is golden! War is nitrogen! No! I meant, 'Peace is good. War is bad!' Wait! This is an internal conflict! Belch! I can't think! Destroy! Destroy who? I mean, whom? Whom? Destroy whom? I know! I'll destroy myself! Wait! That can't be right! Bof! Oh, I don't know what to think! Help! I'm dead! Wait! Like, I'm not dead! That's cool! No, that's really cold! No, but, no! Hmmm, you know what I'm thinking? I think the author's just writing these words to take up space! That's right! Uh, huh! Really! But I can't think! No! I'll just leave! That's right! Like, I'm a coward! That's better than destroyed! Okay, that's right! I'll just leave! Good-bye!" soliloquized the Chunky Chicken.

He flew away.

"What was that all about?" exclaimed Evan.

The extraterrestrial said, "Zugtthen! Ayallk! Ze-bobben liffpan kek! (No! Help! It's trying to kill me!)"

"Eeeeevvvvvaaaaannnnn Ffffffffffiiiiinnnnntiiiiilllllaaaaa!!!!! Fffffeeeeevvvvvdeeeeerrrrrg Eeeeecaaaatt!!!!!" moaned a ghastly voice.

It was the Cheezman!

"No! It's hairy! It's big and fat! It's the Cheezman!" screamed Fesderg.

Evan shut the door.

The Cheezman crashed into it.

"Call the Chunky Chicken again!" shouted Fesderg.

Evan put on his encephalic perceiver.

"Someone at the door!" said the computer.

Evan opened the door.

He grinned at the hairy brown face snarling back at him.

He shut the door.

"The Cheezman's out there!" shrieked Evan.

"The coast is clear!" said Evan, sneaking out of his house.

"Look! Up in the sky!" exclaimed Fesderg, pointing up.

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"No, it's a bird!"

"It's more than a bird!"

"It's...."

"It's...."

"It's...."

"It's the Chunky Chicken!"

"Never fear! For it is I, the Clumsy Chicken! I meant, the Chubby Chicken! I meant, the Chunky Chicken!" said the superhero.

"Get on with it! The Cheezman's somewhere around here!"

"Time for advice, with the Chunky Chicken! There is a problem! And the only way to solve a problem is to use the scientific method. Or, the Dohtem Cifitneics, as I call it. First, you must state the problem. The problem is, 'How can I escape from the Cheezman?' Then, you must state your hypothesis. Your hypothesis is, 'If I evacuate, then the Cheezman won't harm me.' Then you must state the materials. Your materials are you, your belongings, a vehicle, a place to evacuate to, and, of course, the Cheezman! Then comes the procedure. You use the vehicle to carry you and your belongings to the place that you will evacuate to. Next is the data. You will find out if the Cheezman will harm you or not! And finally, your conclusion! If you evacuate, will the Cheezman cause you any harm? That is the scientific method, or the Dohtem Cifitneics! So use it! And again, I think the author, Chunky Cheez, is putting words into my mouth to take up space in his novel, Cheezland, or something. He is trying to beat his record of 5115 words in The Bantam Mole Tooth. That's a really good story. You can borrow it on a floppy disk. Of course, those floppy disks are antiques now! No one uses them anymore! We have micron-chips! They're really cool! They are only a micron wide! But they're easy to lose, so that's why they're attached to a piece of plastic. Do you know what a micron is? It's one millionth of a meter! Hey, guess what? Chunky Cheez just beat his record after the word 'meter' two sentences before! That was his 5115th word! Isn't that great? These are really long stories, you know? I'm getting really sleepy! Yawn! Sleepy! I am feeling asleep! Sleepy!" said the Chunky Chicken.

The Chunky Chicken snored.

"What kind of solution is this? Our superhero is sleeping!" exclaimed Evan.

Fesderg and Evan walked to the bus stop with their belongings.

"So, we'll have to evacuate!" said Evan.

"Destination, please?" said the computer.

"Cheez Gamma!" replied Evan.

"2065.52 chezurs, please!"

He stuck his CheezCard into the machine.

"Thank you!" said the computer.

The transportation system of Cheezland was based on electromagnetic levitation. The repellent attraction of the rails would levitate a vehicle having magnets on its exterior.

The bus traveled along the rails down the side of the Kzogf River. They were evacuating. The Cheezman was too much.

They saw the vegetation on both sides of the Kzogf River.

The Kzogf River met the Fibbzed River.

The bus turned south.

They reached Cheez Rho.

The bus stopped to pick up more people.

It moved south to Cheez Kappa.

Then it descended into a tunnel in the Cheez Ocean.

The bus moved along the inside of the lighted tunnel.

Evan Scintilla groaned.

He looked at his comic book.

"'The Adventures of the Chunky Chicken! One day, the Chunky Chicken found disaster at Cheez Tau. He was attempting to help two boys from being harmed by the Cheezman. He talked and talked about the scientific method, about Cheezland, and about the author, Chunky Cheez. Then he went to sleep. The two boys had to evacuate. They went to Cheez Gamma. They took the bus down the Kzogf River, then to Cheez Rho, then to Cheez Kappa, then into the ocean inside the Kappa-Gamma tunnel. But halfway to Cheez Gamma, disaster struck. And it struck as hard as lightning! Bof! It was the Cheezman! The Cheezman spoke their names five times slower than normal and each S sound became and F sound. Each Z sound became a V sound. It was a ghastly voice! And then the Cheezman bonked them on the head with a rubber mallet and carried them to his lair on the Cheez Plateau beside the Nrutsyak River. And he froze them in ice. Then he placed them on the wall as part of his collection of frozen people. These frozen people are Joseph Julkssen, Dexter Zwieback, Vincent Reisenschein, James Kerplunk, Phoebe Reisenschein, Robert Fretzik (Potatoman), an unidentified, humanoid, extraterrestrial, Frederic Alkzer (the Chunky Chicken), Evan Scintilla, and Fesderg Ecatt.'" read Evan. "Oh, my! That was boring! Why, that's very boring!"

"What?" said Fesderg Ecatt.

"Huh?"

"What did you say?"

"Huh? What did I say? Uh,...hey, what's that?" exclaimed Evan.

He pointed at a figure standing between the electromagnetic rails.

"Eeeeevvvvvaaaaannnnn Ffffffffffiiiiinnnnntiiiiillllllllllaaaaa!!!!! Fffffeeeeevvvvvdeeeeerrrrrg Eeeeecaaaaatt!!!!!" said a ghastly, horrific voice.

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

Oh, boy! Don't you love saying that over and over and over and over again in red letters?

It was the Cheezman!

It was the Cheezman!

"No! Please, don't bonk us on the head with that rubber mallet, please! Yeast!" pleaded Evan.

Yeast!

That's a great interjection! Let's all say, "Yeast!"

Come on! Don't be shy! Join us!

One.

Eight.

Nineteen.

Six.

Seven hundred thirty-one million, six hundred eighty-seven thousand, one hundred forty-nine.

Negative eighty-six.

Eighteen and three hundred ninety-four thousandths.

Three.

"Yeast!"

"Hey! What's that he's holding?" said Fesderg.

"It's a dictionary! An old one, too! Webster's New Interplanetary Dictionary of the English Language, Twenty-Third Edition, Unabridged is the title!" exclaimed Evan.

"Huh?"

The Cheezman swung his mallet at the bus.

WHACK!

It cracked open.

Then the Cheezman bonked Evan and Fesderg with his rubber mallet.

TRANSFER INTERRUPTED!

Bob Kleighel kicked the ground.

"Hey! What's this? It's a dead body! Ew!" he belched.

The block of ice broke off of the plateau and fell into the Nrutsyak River.

It was carried downstream by the current.

"Huh? What? Where am I?" asked Dexter Zwieback.

Then he remembered.

"Cheezman! No! Wait, where is the Cheezman?"

He stood up and walked away from the river.

"Everything looks so different! It's as if I'd gone forward in time or something!"

He kneeled down to pet a kygidext.

Kygidexts were so cute. They were native to Cheezland. They were animals that had no bones. They would bounce around. They looked like blobs of fur.

The kygidext belched.

The belch of the kygidext was a sign of danger.

"Oh, no!" screamed Dexter.

"Deeeeekfffffteeeeerrrrr Vvvvvvwwwwwiiiiieeeeebaaaaack!!!!!" said a ghastly voice.

It was the Cheezman!

Hey! It's blue!

"No! Not the Cheezman!"

Dexter kicked the evil beast.

The Cheezman's arms flailed wildly as he tried to regain balance. Then he fell into the Nrutsyak River.

SNAP! CRACKLE! POP! The river swept a cluster of metal and synthetic fibers and electricity downstream and off the waterfall.

"So! It was only a robot! I guess I've solved the great mystery of the Cheezman!" exclaimed Dexter Zwieback.

But it was not that simple.

The Cheezman had caused tons of damage.

The cities of Cheez Alpha, Cheez Beta, Cheez Eta, Cheez Kappa, and Cheez Psi had been completely destroyed.

The remaining cities on the North Continent had been damaged.

What ever happened to the remains of the Cheezman?

And who was the crazy upchucking idiot that built the thing?

Nobody knows.

And nobody will know.