Prodigal Dog

by Match Ryan

Loretta’s judge had dandruff. Even people sitting in the back of the courtroom could see the white flecks on his black robe. Over the years, he had used the retail shampoos and visited dermatologists who gave him ointments and lotions to rub into his scalp. He took Vitamin B, garlic and oregano tablets and tried all of the home remedies: shampooing with baking soda, using boiled tea leaves for conditioner, hot oil therapy, steamy baths.

Nothing.

His wife, who was never seen in public without a polka dot dress, tried to convince him it was a beautiful gift. Nevertheless, he remained sensitive about his condition. He did not like defendants appearing before him and using their problems as an excuse. When they did, he’d use his gavel to scratch his head and ignore the falling dead skin that joined the dandruff collection on his robe. He’d clear his throat and say, “They’ve called me Dandruff Danderson my whole life and I turned out okay.”

* * *

Judge Danderson was known as a skeptical judge. He was aware of this reputation, but he said he wanted people to repent and return to the community with changed lives. That’s why he was so tough.

One day, the bailiff directed a standard poodle to the defendant’s chair. The dog sat there, saying nothing, pointing its wet nose toward the Texas flag, as if it wanted to chew on it.

Judge Danderson didn’t buy it: “You might be able to fool everyone else with your canine outfit, but you can’t fool me. I know who you are. You’re Loretta Smith the infamous con-woman. You show up at the house of lonely old women, let them pet your poodly hair, and once they let you in, you steal their every last possession. I sentence you to ten years in prison.”

The alleged Loretta Smith barked in protest, but was delivered to the women’s correctional facility over by Gatesville. Loretta didn’t seem scared upon entering general population, and indeed had no reason to be, as the jail’s toughest resident, a cat burglar named Beth Hart, took a shining to her.

“This bitch is mine,” said Beth, who’d had a penchant for reading books on positive thinking and long term memory improvement. Right away, Beth could tell this dog was smart, but needed someone to believe in it. She gave the dog attention, petted her, took her for walks; she’d even read to her.

* * *

When Beth saw that Loretta’s self-esteem had been successfully rehabilitated, she taught her to stick out her paw and shake. This went well, so they moved on to rolling over. Finally, Beth taught Loretta how to read.

At first, Beth regretted teaching Loretta to read because she couldn’t pull her long poodle nose out of the books, particularly the motivational books, which she preferred over the tomes on memory improvement.

This all changed one day when Loretta opened her canine mouth. “Thank you for teaching me how to read. Now let me teach you something.”

Beth was stunned. “I didn’t know you could talk.”

Loretta wagged her curly little tail. “If you can believe it, you can achieve it. Of course I can talk. I’m Loretta Smith, the famous con-woman.”

Loretta gathered a group of girls and led them to the laundry where she’d been working on a tunnel. She was going to teach them how to escape from prison. The other prisoners were so impressed that Loretta could use her little paws to dig such a long tunnel — one that ended up leading all the way to the backyard of Judge Dandruff Danderson.

“Wait here, girls,” Loretta said, while trotting toward the judge’s house. She sucked in her belly and squeezed through the pet door, returning a few minutes later wearing the dandruff covered robe.

* * *

For the next couple of days, they hid out at the ranch of Beth’s uncle. The women tried to keep a low profile, but Loretta, like any animal fresh out of the kennel, needed to run. The other ladies were so grateful that they didn’t mind, considering she’d become their de facto leader. They didn’t even object to her wearing the robe while she went out to explore.

It didn’t take long for them to notice that Loretta was starting to change. She gave up the books for chasing cats and trucks. She insisted on using the bathroom in the yard.

When Loretta slipped out of the robe and chewed it up, Beth could take it no longer. “Don’t you remember that you’ve become civilized?”

She was unimpressed when Loretta didn’t answer her, at least with words. Loretta pointed her nose northward, as Beth continued to bawl her out. “You don’t remember, do you? I bet you don’t even remember how to read. I told you to read those memory books. I told you to diversify your education.”

Loretta barked and took off running. Eventually, she ended up in the yard of Judge Danderson, who seemed to be waiting for her. He laid his picnic basket on the ground and then took off his newly purchased robe and flapped it in the air, straightening the wrinkles and loosening the dandruff. He then placed it on the ground, a big black blanket.

The dandruff that had flown upward was now on its way down. Loretta, with her tongue hanging to the side of her mouth, ran toward the judge who waited for her with outstretched hands that he used to glide through her soft curls, while they both sat still watching the snow fall under the hues of a warm Texas sunset.