The Emo Kid

by J. S. Ingram

Sandbox / Heartbreak I

The Emo Kid is four. With long, death-black hair in his face and black, zip-up sweatshirt, he draws a heart in the sand with the initials E.K. + P.F. Phyllis Freeman, a.k.a. P.F., kicks the sand in his face in disgust, then runs away. The Emo Kid is left to wallow in his despair, noticing the abundance of grains of sand while contemplating his meaningless existence.

Valentine’s Day, Fourth Grade

The Emo Kid gives out cardboard valentines to every girl in his class, explaining that the holiday celebrates the death of St. Valentine. Expectedly, he receives none but cries at his pain regardless. At lunch that day, he sits alone, black hair covering his reddened eyes. He expresses his sentiments by covering his pink, heart-shaped Little Debbie cake with ketchup, and then stabs it repeatedly.

Seventh Grade Football

Scrawny in his huge football pads, the Emo Kid sits dejectedly in the shadows, pining for a black practice jersey. His dad made him play after he caught his son writing poetry. The Emo Kid hates his dad, who will never understand the depth of his sorrow.

First Date / Heartbreak II

For the Freshman Winter Festival, the Emo Kid takes Whitney Givens. Actually, his mom takes both of them in her station wagon. The Emo Kid wears a suit, but sticks with his black hoodie instead of the sport coat. He reads her the nine, gushing poems he has written about her freckles, and then promises to share his pain with her. She runs.

Girl Pants

The Emo Kid wears girl pants. He can fit into them easily, and enjoys how they show off his frail physique. It doesn’t matter how tight they are; the Emo Kid lost his balls a long time ago.

First Band

The Emo Kid now pours all his time/misery into his band, “The Bleeding Emptiness.” He does back-up screams and plays bass — badly.

The Cure

The Emo Kid discovers “The Cure” and basks in their collective sorrow for hours. He begins to wear eyeliner until someone actually notices him and in turn beats him up.

Heartbreak VII

After senior prom, Sandy McPherson sleeps with Bobby Stenson, the dreaded captain of the football team. The Emo Kid is crushed. No one notices, especially not Sandy.

Going to College

The Emo Kid is driving his black Acura, full of his things, down the highway towards college and, hopefully, freedom. He blasts some generic scream-o music through his system and wails along with the painful lyrics, bemoaning his existence. Glancing at his parents’ Lexus in the rearview mirror, he realizes they will never understand the depth of his sorrow.

You Killed Me on the Deathbed of Our Love and Happiness

The Emo Kid finds a home in his new college band, “You Killed Me on the Deathbed of Our Love and Happiness.”

Church

A friend of the Emo Kid takes him to church. The Emo Kid almost feels moved as he listens to the preacher’s words, but then sighs as he realizes that Christ will never understand the depth of his sorrow.

Marriage

The Emo Kid marries an Emo girl. They stare into each other’s eyes and feel sorry for one another. He borrows her jeans. She straightens his hair.

Only Child

Through a medical miracle, since the Emo Kid no longer has the capacity for effective reproduction, he and his wife produce a son.

Heartbreak XXIII

After discovering that his father has no balls, and being worried about the lack of balls in his future, the Emo Kid’s son abandons the Emo path for a much happier one.

Retirement is Meaningless

Work is pain. Retirement is meaningless.

Beauty of Death

The Emo Kid dies alone, feeling every inch of the depth of his pain, grimacing in the looming shadow. It is glorious.