Kill a Tree For Christ
The Slaughter of the Innocents
An Essay
Dying on the inside and glittering on the outside, dead trees in the home inspire Christians to rampant consumerism and excessive drinking. The seasonal orgy of stress, greed, and unrealistic expectations shattered is inspired by the death of a hundred million infant trees each year.
In the Early centuries of the first millenium, a wave of proselytes swept over Europe and Asia. Like some sort of Holy Roman Empire version of Jehovah's Witnesses; banging on doors and yurt flaps, scheming to subvert Pagan celebrations into Christian Holidays. "You, too, can convert to Christianity and still enjoy having a dead tree in your house for a few weeks every year," they preached.
Traditionally, trees were brought into pagan homes just before the winter solstice for the purpose of absorbing evil spirits. At the end of the "Yuletide" the trees would be taken outside and burned, destroying the evil spirits. In modern times these trees, bearing their load of Evil spirits, are scattered across vacant lots, dumped over the neighbors fence, tossed out down by the river and otherwise abandoned where no one is looking. The result is that evil spirits are scattered around and left to ooze out all over the neighborhood. This surely explains the increase in DUI arrests, suicidal tendencies, memory loss and domestic violence on New Year's Eve. The new practice of having public mulchings of expired trees may or may not solve this problem. It is unclear what becomes of an evil spirit which is run through a chipper-shredder.
Experts speculate that the scarcity of trees in North Africa is a primary reason that there are few Christians there. Perhaps the spread of Christianity could be facilited by exporting Christmas tree farmers and department stores instead of missionaries.
Copyright © by Alex Boomer 2002