Critics’ Corner
Julian Lawler and...
Tala Bar’s “Venus”
Tala,
I read your short story “Venus” today and I thought I would make some comments about it, if you don't mind hearing what I thought about it several months after you asked the boards for opinions. I think there was a lot of pristine imagery and your writing is very lyrical.
It is extremely creative. There were some parts where I thought it read like an ethnography. I could picture you sitting in a secluded area looking on as the events you described unfolded. Very interesting style to choose for your narrative.
I did have a problem with the actions of some of the ape-likes. The character Gloria is very solid, and the reader feels like you know the character personally, almost like Jane Goodall observing giant silver-backs and getting comfortable with their savageness.
As far as their culture, I would have liked to have seen more of the modes of living. If you take the progression of homo sapiens and their transition from roaming tribes to an agricultural species, there would be evidence of huts or muddy coves.
I could also have used a little more conflict within the story. The character Gloria seems particularly advanced compared to the others to end the story on a animalistic ritual.
I thought the story was very entertaining and I plan to read more of your pieces. I'll let you know what I thought of those as I go through them. It seems to me that novellas and novels might be a better fit for your writing style, so I might check them out.
I hope this helps.
Julian Lawler
[Ed. note: By big stroke of luck, neither Julian nor Tala had each other’s address, and I relayed e-mail for them. Glad to help; that’s what Ye Copy Editor is here for. As a result we have an informative exchange that Julian and Tala have kindly agreed to let us include in our inaugural Critics’ Corner, and we have a new story from Tala Bar.]
Don,
Julian Lawler seems to have an insight into my writing, the way you do, and perhaps I could correspond with him, as I do with some other people who understand my writing. I have written a story of the kind he is asking for which even earned a 3rd prize — or more like a novellette containing 18,000 words — which was published on the Net. If you want it as a serial I can send it to you.
Here is also a short story I've written, with more direct conflict of the kind Mr. Lawler is interested in, called “The Woman and the Hunters,” published in a few places, including a printed magazine Show and Tell. On the Net it can be found in The Best Pulp Fiction and Unlikely Stories (go to Artists and my name Tala Bar).
Copyright © 2005 by Julian Lawler and Tala Bar
Upon request, Tala has sent us her story “Sacrifice,” which will be scheduled as soon as possible. Thank you, Tala!
The discussion may be continued and is open to all.
Please feel free to join in!
