Ralph and Fred on Night Shift

by Brian Clark

The wallpaper in the bedroom was covered in cartoon dinosaurs. Flying saucers decorated the bedspread. A box in the corner was filled with toy cars, little robots and plastic soldiers. A half-dozen Goosebumps books were scattered on the small desk.

The low evening sun streamed through the open window, casting a glow on a swirl of dust motes in the room. A gentle breeze stirred the sheer curtains.

Ralph stood by the bed. The alarm clock on the dresser said 7:27 p.m. Still lots of time.

He smiled. And then, with practiced dexterity, he dropped silently to the floor, raised the fringe of the bedspread and slid underneath the bed. It was a tight squeeze, but Ralph was used to it. He felt the usual surge of excitement and anticipation.

Lying with his left cheek pressed to the cool hardwood floor, Ralph was able to see the bottom half of the closed bedroom door through a gap in the bedspread fringe. He would keep an eye on the door, but it wasn’t really necessary. He would hear footsteps long before the door opened. His hearing was excellent.

Next to the door was a closet, which he could see through another gap in the fringe. The closet door was about six inches open, so most of the interior was lost in shadows. But Ralph was able to make out a solid line of clothes draped on hangers.

For a second, the clothes seemed to move. Ralph stared closely, but after a few moments decided he had imagined it.

He looked back at the bedroom door and debated strategy in his head. Should I knock on the floor tonight or scratch at the bottom of the bed? Or even jostle the bed? Maybe I’ll start with scratching and see how it goes. And I think maybe I should hiss tonight. No, wait... A low growl. Perfect! He suppressed a snicker. This is going to be great.

His gaze was drawn back to the closet. The clothes were definitely stirring. He was sure of it this time.

Ralph slipped out from under the bed, got to his feet and slunk quietly towards the closet. He stopped and listened. He heard music, dim and distant. It was the Jeopardy theme song coming from the TV in the living room. But he heard nothing coming from the closet.

He took another stealthy step and eased the closet door open wider with his foot. Then he took a deep breath, reached inside and swept the clothes to one side with a quick motion.

Staring back at him from deep in the closet was a creature with red, bulging eyes. The beast was covered in slimy scales, and strands of thick saliva hung from dagger-like teeth. At the end of each bony finger was a razor-sharp talon. It let out a muffled snarl from deep in its throat.

Ralph recoiled and backpedaled a couple of steps. Then he stopped. His shoulders sagged and he slowly let out a long breath. “For God’s sake, Fred, what are you doing here?”

The creature stopped snarling. “Oh, it’s you, Ralph. Jeez, I could ask you the same question.”

“I’m working here tonight. Didn’t you see the schedule?”

Fred groaned. “Well, I’m working, too, so it must be another scheduling screw-up. That Lawrence. What an idiot. How he ever got to be supervisor is beyond me.”

Fred reached down to the closet floor and picked up a smartphone. “Lemme check the sked.” Slowly he began to tap the keys with the point of a claw. “Good thing you can still get phones with keyboards, eh?” Fred said. “Ever try using a touchscreen with a talon?”

“Yeah, it’s murder.”

“OK, here we go. Yup, we’re both on the sked, both assigned to this address for tonight. It’s another big-ass snafu from Lawrence.”

“Yeah, looks like it,” Ralph said. “Unless they got approval to double-team this target.”

“Naw. You know what the memo said, the one about budget cuts. No more double-teaming. No exceptions. I’m tellin’ ya, Ralph, this is just another blunder from that dolt.”

“So whaddya think we should do?”

“Well, it’s too late to do anything about it now. You know what the contract says. Once a shift starts, they have to pay us. So I say we both work the room tonight. It’s not like it’s our fault.”

Ralph chewed pensively on a talon and then agreed: “All right.”

“Good. We better get back into positions.”

“It’s OK, man,” Ralph said. “We still have lots of time.”

“How do you know?”

Ralph sighed. “Fred, Fred, Fred. You’ll never change.”

“What?”

“You didn’t read the intelligence dossier, didja?”

“Sure I did.”

“C’mon, Fred, be honest.”

Fred looked down at the floor. “Well, I glanced at it.”

Ralph chuckled. “Gimme your phone.”

Fred handed it over and Ralph started tapping the keys.

“OK, Fred, here it is.”

Ralph cleared his throat. “ ‘Subject: Timmy McPhee. Age: Seven and a half. Address: 2157 Bonny Meadow Road. Siblings: Brother, 9, sister, 12. Known fears: Basement. Sole occupant of bedroom? Check. Closet dimensions: Four feet by five feet. Bed clearance: Eleven inches.’ ”

Ralph snorted. “Eleven inches my ass. It isn’t a hair over nine.”

“Yeah, it does look like a nine-incher,” Fred said, eyeing the bed.

“All right, here’s what I was looking for. ‘Evening routine.’ OK, blah, blah, blah. ‘Each night at 7:30, subject watches Jeopardy with family. Bedtime: 8 p.m.’ ”

Ralph swiveled his head around and checked the alarm clock. “So, we still got 20 minutes.” He handed the phone back to Fred.

“OK, Ralph. Whatever you say. So, um, you hungry? I got snacks here.”

“Sure, whaddya got?”

“I got mouse heads and Pringles.”

“Hmm. Mouse heads, I think,” Ralph said. “I’m trying to cut back on salty stuff.”

“Mouse heads it is. Regular or extra crunchy?”

“Better make it regular. Don’t wanna make too much noise.”

Fred bent down, placed the phone on the closet floor and came up with a ziplock bag. He opened it and held it out to Ralph, who speared two mouse heads with a talon and popped them into his mouth.

They ate in silence for a few moments, leaning on opposite sides of the closet doorframe. Ralph absentmindedly played with his spiky tail.

“I kinda like Jeopardy myself,” Fred said.

“Yeah, me too.”

“One of the categories they had on the show last week was Movie Monsters. Did you know that Meryl Streep was originally supposed to be in Alien?”

“Oh, that’s such a great movie,” Ralph said. “My favorite scene is—”

“Wait, don’t tell me. It’s the one where the creature explodes out of that guy’s chest. Am I right?”

“Yeah, man, I love that. It’s the funniest scene in the whole movie.”

Fred held out the bag. “Want some more?”

Ralph stabbed two more mouse heads and started chewing.

“I got this buddy in R&D,” Fred said. “He told me they’ve been trying to replicate that chest-bursting thing for years.”

“Really? How?”

“Well, they’ve been experimenting with pigs. And trust me, you don’t wanna hear any more details, not while you’re eating.”

Fred offered the ziplock bag again, but Ralph politely waved him off.

“So, how about that Lawrence, eh?” Fred said.

“Yeah, how about him.”

“Desk work doesn’t exactly suit him. I wonder if they had to provide him with a special chair.”

“Whaddya talking about, Fred?”

“Well, you know, it must be hard to sit at a desk when your head is permanently lodged up your ass.”

They snickered and high-fived.

“Ah nuts. I broke a nail,” Fred said.

“Ya know,” Ralph said, “we really shouldn’t be making fun of the guy. He was a real trailblazer in the domestication movement.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“C’mon, Fred, don’t you know your history? We started out in the dark forests and swamps, right? Then we moved into the sewers and catacombs in Europe. But it was Lawrence who really pushed for us to bring our calling right into homes.”

“Really?”

“Yup. He was a real pioneer in early closet work.”

“I had no idea. So how come he isn’t still doing fieldwork?”

“One word, Fred: fraternization.”

“Uh-oh. Seriously?”

“That’s what I heard,” Ralph said. “Word is he was on basement detail when this little girl spotted him in the crawl space. She starts crying, and what does he do? He says, ‘Don’t be afraid, little girl.’ And they practically became friends.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, he started questioning our whole raison d’être. And he was given a choice. Take a desk job or retire.”

They fell quiet for a moment.

Fred let out a contemplative “hmmm” and picked his teeth with a talon.

“Something on your mind, Fred?”

“No.”

“C’mon, out with it.”

Fred shrugged. “Well, you know, I must admit I have wondered on occasion why we, um, do what we do. You know, why we” — he bared his giant teeth and growled quietly — “frighten people.”

Ralph shook his head slowly and blew out a long breath. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Ralph. I don’t condone what Lawrence did. Still, it does make you think.”

“Let’s just not go down that road, OK? Can we please change the subject?”

“Sure, Ralph. Anything you say.”

They stood for a while in awkward silence, both looking down at the floor.

“So, um, how’s Helen?” Ralph asked.

“Oh, she’s fine.”

“When is she due?”

“Next month.”

“Must be getting pretty big. Is she still working?”

“Yeah.” Fred chuckled. “She’d probably kill me for telling you this, but a few days ago she got stuck under the bed at the Andersons. They had to send in an exfiltration team and everything. At 3:00 a.m.! They had to jack up the bed to get her outa there. Good thing the kid’s a sound sleeper. Man, was she embarrassed. So, they’re gonna move her to desk work for now.”

“That’s hysterical. But don’t worry, Fred. I won’t tell anyone.”

“And then yesterday she gets this craving for newts. So I go out, but all I can find are salamanders. And she goes, ‘But I asked for newts.’ And I’m like, ‘What’s the difference?’ And she bursts out crying. Man, those hormones are like crazy juice.”

Fred laughed again. “So how’s your brood doing?”

“Oh, they’re fine,” Ralph said.

“And how old is the little guy now?”

“He just turned 80.”

“Ah, that’s a fun age, isn’t it?”

Ralph nodded. “I caught him hiding in my closet the other day. I mean, how adorable is that?”

“Did he scare ya?”

“Well, I pretended to be scared. But I could see his tail stickin’ out.”

“Oh yeah. Classic rookie mistake.”

Ralph cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “I can hear the final Jeopardy song, Fred. We better get back into positions.”

“OK, Ralph. Nice talking to you.”

“You, too, Fred.”

Ralph was creeping back to the bed when he stopped and turned around. “Hey,” he called out quietly.

Fred stuck his head out of the closet. “What is it?”

“No more existential questions, all right?”

“No more what?”

Ralph pulled back his lips, exposed his needle-sharp teeth and let out a low snarl. Then he smiled. “We’re monsters, Fred. It’s what we do.”